SIDE 1

FAKE SANTA

(in a heavy New York accent)

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

(The first MOTHER in line leads a small CHILD to FAKE SANTA as BUDDY rushes over.)

BUDDY

Santa! Yeah! Yeah! It s me, Buddy! It s me!

FAKE SANTA

Yo, Buddy, how ya doin ?

(SANTA S HELPER places the CHILD on FAKE SANTA s lap.)

BUDDY

It s me! Who the heck are you?

FAKE SANTA

Whadda ya talkin about? I m Santa Claus.

BUDDY

No, you re not.

FAKE SANTA

Yes, I am.

BUDDY


No, you re not.

FAKE SANTA

(to the CHILD)

What can I get you for Christmas?

BUDDY

(whispers to CHILD)

Don t tell him what you want, he s a liar!

FAKE SANTA

Let the kid talk.


CHILD

I want Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars.

BUDDY

(to FAKE SANTA)

You don t smell like Santa. You smell like beef and cheese.

FAKE SANTA

Just cool it, Zippy.

BUDDY

You re a fake.

FAKE SANTA

I m a fake? How d you like to be dead?

BUDDY

(pulling off FAKE SANTA s hat with the white hair attached)

Look, he s not really Santa!

(BUDDY holds the hat high in the air and begins to run.)

Santa s a fake! Santa s a fake! Santa s a fake!

(FAKE SANTA chases BUDDY, trying to get his hat back. The CHILDREN scream as their PARENTS try to comfort them.)

MOTHER

Help! Somebody please help Santa Claus!

(Two POLICEMEN appear. They grab BUDDY s arms to stop him and return the hat to FAKE SANTA.)

BUDDY

Santa s a fake.


Buddy the Elf.
You got a last name, Buddy the Elf?

POLICEMAN #1

Calm down. Tell us your name.

BUDDY

Buddy the Elf.

POLICEMAN #2

You got a last name, Buddy the Elf?

BUDDY

Hey I do! I m Buddy Hobbs. Do you know my dad, Walter Hobbs?

POLICEMAN #1

No, but we ll locate him while you re sitting in a cell cooling your heels.

BUDDY

Thanks. My heels are incredibly sweaty. How did you know?