SIDE 1

CHARLIE

How you doing, Buddy?

BUDDY

Um, fine Charlie, but... I guess I m gonna be a little short on today s quota.

CHARLIE

That s all right, Buddy. Just tell me, how many Etch A Sketches® did you get finished?

BUDDY

I made, uh, eighty-five!

CHARLIE

Eighty-five? It s ten a.m. and you ve only made eighty-five?

BUDDY

Why don t you just say it? I m the worst toy maker in the whole wide world. I m a Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins.

CHARLIE

You re not a Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins. You have lots of talents, uh, special talents in fact, like, uh...

ELF #1

You re the best basketball player in the whole North Pole!

ELF #2

Even better than Santa!

ELF #3

And you re the only baritone in the Jinglesingers!

ELF #4

You bring us down a whole octave.

ELF #5

In a good way!

CHARLIE

See, Buddy? Hey, these elves are getting pretty thirsty. Would you mind doing a round with the cocoa cart?

BUDDY

Yay! Cocoa cart! Cocoa cart!

(BUDDY leaves. CHARLIE motions to SHAWANDA to join him.)

CHARLIE

Hey, Shawanda.

SHAWANDA

Yeah, Charlie?

CHARLIE

I hate to do this to you, but do you think you could pick up the slack with those Etch A Sketches®?

(BUDDY returns. He listens, unnoticed.)

SHAWANDA

No problem.

CHARLIE

I appreciate it. I feel bad for the big guy. I just hope he doesn t get wise.

SHAWANDA

Well, if he hasn t figured out by now that he s a human I don t think he ever will.

BUDDY

Human?!? I m human?

(Beat.)

CHARLIE

(desperately whispering to ELF #1)

Get Santa!

(ELF #1 runs off to get SANTA.)

BUDDY

You said I m human!

CHARLIE

No. No.

SHAWANDA

No, not you Buddy. We we re talking about some other Buddy. Some Buddy... else.

BUDDY

No you weren t!

SIDE 2

BUDDY

Santa? Is it true what they said? Am I human?

SANTA

Good question.

(SANTA walks over to BUDDY.)

Once upon a time there was this young woman, Susan Welles, she had a baby, but she passed away soon after he was born. That baby was put in an orphanage, and one Christmas night he crawled into my toy sack, and I brought him back here by mistake. The elves took him in, raised him as one of their own.

BUDDY

Really? Where is he? Is it Charlie?

SANTA

Buddy, it s you! It s your story!

BUDDY

I m not an elf; I m a human. And I m an orphan. Just like Annie.

SANTA

Not exactly. You have a human father, but he never knew that you were born. He lives in a faraway land called New York City.

(SANTA takes out a New York City snow globe and hands it to BUDDY.)

And he works

(pointing to the globe)

Right there, in the Empire State Building.

(BUDDY tries to give the snow globe back, but SANTA stops him.)

SANTA

Keep it. It s a gift from me.

BUDDY

Thank you, Santa. What s my dad like?

SANTA

He s an executive. He publishes children s books.

BUDDY

Oh!


SANTA

But I should tell you, he, uh... well, he s on the Naughty List.

BUDDY

No! What did he do? Did he wet the bed?

SANTA

No, he just doesn t believe in me anymore. He s lost the Christmas spirit.

BUDDY

But Christmas spirit is what makes your sleigh fly!

SANTA

I know. Buddy, it s time you went there to meet him.

BUDDY

Okay. Which direction is New York?

SANTA

It s south. We re at the North Pole, Buddy; everything is south.

(BUDDY starts to leave.)

BUDDY

Oh, hey, what s my dad s name?

SANTA

Hobbs. Walter Hobbs.

BUDDY

Hobbs? Then I must be Buddy Hobbs!

(uncertain)

Yay!

SIDE 3

FAKE SANTA

(in a heavy New York accent)

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

(The first MOTHER in line leads a small CHILD to FAKE SANTA as BUDDY rushes over.)

BUDDY

Santa! Yeah! Yeah! It s me, Buddy! It s me!

FAKE SANTA

Yo, Buddy, how ya doin ?

(SANTA S HELPER places the CHILD on FAKE SANTA s lap.)

BUDDY

It s me! Who the heck are you?

FAKE SANTA

Whadda ya talkin about? I m Santa Claus.

BUDDY

No, you re not.

FAKE SANTA

Yes, I am.

BUDDY


No, you re not.

FAKE SANTA

(to the CHILD)

What can I get you for Christmas?

BUDDY

(whispers to CHILD)

Don t tell him what you want, he s a liar!

FAKE SANTA

Let the kid talk.


CHILD

I want Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars.

BUDDY

(to FAKE SANTA)

You don t smell like Santa. You smell like beef and cheese.

FAKE SANTA

Just cool it, Zippy.

BUDDY

You re a fake.

FAKE SANTA

I m a fake? How d you like to be dead?

BUDDY

(pulling off FAKE SANTA s hat with the white hair attached)

Look, he s not really Santa!

(BUDDY holds the hat high in the air and begins to run.)

Santa s a fake! Santa s a fake! Santa s a fake!

(FAKE SANTA chases BUDDY, trying to get his hat back. The CHILDREN scream as their PARENTS try to comfort them.)

MOTHER

Help! Somebody please help Santa Claus!

(Two POLICEMEN appear. They grab BUDDY s arms to stop him and return the hat to FAKE SANTA.)

BUDDY

Santa s a fake.


Buddy the Elf.
You got a last name, Buddy the Elf?

POLICEMAN #1

Calm down. Tell us your name.

BUDDY

Buddy the Elf.

POLICEMAN #2

You got a last name, Buddy the Elf?

BUDDY

Hey I do! I m Buddy Hobbs. Do you know my dad, Walter Hobbs?

POLICEMAN #1

No, but we ll locate him while you re sitting in a cell cooling your heels.

BUDDY

Thanks. My heels are incredibly sweaty. How did you know?

SIDE 4

BUDDY

All fixed!

MICHAEL

Yay, Buddy!

(hugs BUDDY)

You re the man!

EMILY

Nice going, Buddy.

(EMILY hugs BUDDY too. The door opens, and WALTER enters. WALTER stops short upon seeing BUDDY, MICHAEL and EMILY all happily hugging each other.)

WALTER

What in the devil is going on here?!

BUDDY

Hi, Dad!


MICHAEL

Look, Buddy fixed my wind machine!

EMILY

He s stayin with us!

WALTER

Staying with us? What do you mean, Emily, he s staying with us?

(EMILY grabs WALTER s arm and moves him away from BUDDY and MICHAEL. EMILY picks up an envelope from the table.)

EMILY

Walter, I ve been, uh, very busy the last couple of days. You see, I took a strand of Buddy s hair, and a few strands of your hair from the sink, then I had my cousin at Beth Israel Hospital compare the two and...

WALTER

(worried)

And?

EMILY

(hands WALTER the envelope with a DNA report)

You have an elf for a son.

WALTER

Oh, no.

(During the above, we see BUDDY and MICHAEL move closer to eavesdrop. BUDDY races to hug WALTER. MICHAEL follows right behind BUDDY.)

BUDDY

Yay! I knew it! I knew it! Dad!!! Dad!!! Dad!!!

MICHAEL

I got a big brother! This is so cool! I can t believe it!

BUDDY

I planned out our whole first day, Dad. Just you and me. Tomorrow we will...

WALTER

Tomorrow I ve got to go to work...

EMILY

(interrupting)

Tomorrow, your father will take you to work with him.

WALTER

All right, but if you re coming with me you ll have to lose that costume. We ll stop at Brooks Brothers on the way and get you a suit.

BUDDY

Oh! Can it be red like Santa s?

WALTER

No.

SIDE 5

BUDDY

How did you like your dinner?

JOVIE

Greasy souvlaki on a stick is not dinner.

BUDDY

But it s the world s best souvlaki...

JOVIE

Look, how about we just call it a night?

BUDDY

No! We ve still got so much to do on our date. It s too early to take you home. Hey, did I tell you? You look miraculous.

JOVIE

Miraculous, huh? Okay, well you look miraculous too. That elf getup made you look incredibly dorky.

BUDDY

Thanks!

JOVIE

That wasn t a compli

BUDDY

I know! Let s do something Christmas-y! Oh! Let s go skating!

JOVIE

I m not a very good skater

BUDDY

That s okay, neither am I. Santa says I m a hazard. He calls me  Edward Scissorfeet.

JOVIE

Stop. Let s make a pact. If you try to be less elf-y, I ll try to be less witchy.

BUDDY

Okay. I d like it if you d be less witchy.

JOVIE

I came to Rockefeller Center last year too, my first Christmas in New York.

BUDDY

Oh, where d you come from?

JOVIE

L.A. Christmases there are surreal. No snow.

BUDDY

No snow?!?


JOVIE

I ve never even seen snow. I ve always wanted to.

BUDDY

That s the saddest thing I ve ever heard.

JOVIE

Yeah, I ve been here for almost two years and it hasn t snowed once. You know, when I was a kid I dreamed of having a snowy Christmas Eve dinner at Tavern on the Green with Billy Crystal. That sounds so stupid.

BUDDY

No it doesn t! Who s Billy Crystal? He sounds magical.

JOVIE

He s an actor.

BUDDY

You know what? We are going to have Christmas Eve dinner at Tavern on the Green!

JOVIE

I don t think so. For one thing, it s been closed for months. It just re-opened, now it s even harder to get in.

BUDDY

My dad can get us a table! He can do anything!

JOVIE

Buddy, don t promise things you can t deliver.

BUDDY

Jovie, I will make your dream come true. I promise.

JOVIE

Wow, I might actually have a real Christmas.

BUDDY

You see? You do have Christmas spirit!

JOVIE

I guess I do. A little.

BUDDY

Now you have to spread it around and remember the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.