SIDE 1

CALLAHAN

Emmett, let me be very clear. This is your chance, and I gave you simple instructions- Lead this legal team and get me an alibi. You're zero for two.

(CALLAHAN and EMMETT approach the remaining interns.)

Everyone, field trip's over. Let's go. Back to work.

(turning to EMMETT and ELLE)

Except you two. I'd rather not see "Ratty Corduroy" or "Legally Blonde" again today.

(EMMETT and ELLE are left alone.)

ELLE

Emmett, I'm sorry-

EMMETT

-I don't need you to be sorry. I need you to tell me the alibi.

ELLE

I can't because I gave Brooke my word. Having an alibi isn't the only way to win this case.

EMMETT

No, but it sure would help.

ELLE

We'll free Brooke the right way. The noble way.

EMMETT

This isn't a Lifetime Original Movie, Elle. I'm not interested in nobility right now, I'm more interested in saving Brooke's life.

ELLE

No you're not. You're more interested in impressing Callahan.

EMMETT

Well, he is my boss. And if I impress him he'll make me associate.

ELLE

And jeopardize your client's trust and our integrity?

EMMETT

Why do you always have to be right?

ELLE

I don't have to be... when I'm with you, I just am.

SIDE 2

ELLE

Delta Nu's former UCLA President, Elle Woods!

BROOKE

Shut up!

ELLE

Oh yeah!

BROOKE

That's so great! Thank God someone on this legal team gets me!

ELLE

Sisterhood's forever. I believe you. And I will fight with everything I have to clear your good name. But tht involves an alibi...

BROOKE

I can't tell it.

ELLE

Everyone has their secrets. For years I denied my highlights.

BROOKE

It's beyond highlights, Elle.

SIDE 3

ELLE

Now Ms. Wyndham, would Exhibit A's perm be similar to your own?

CHUTNEY

Duh.

ELLE

And now, one more time, you didn't see the murder or hear the gunshot because you were where?...

(The COURT groans, exasperated)

ALL

In the shower!!!!

ELLE

Thank you. Now, Ms. Hoopes, would you dump this bucket of water onto your head?

(ENID is about to dump the water on her head.)

CHUTNEY

Idiot. You can't get a perm wet for 48 hours-

ELLE

Exactly!

( #36 - SCENE OF THE CRIME (PART 1) begins with a chord.)

Water deactivates the perm's ammonium thiglycolate and completely ruins it.

(chord)

It's the cardinal rule of perm maintenance.

(chord)

Your perm is still intact so you couldn't have showered that day. Why would you lie about being in the shower?

CHUTNEY

I was-

ELLE

Why would you lie about not hearing the gunshot?

CHUTNEY

But I-

SIDE 4

EMMETT

Hello, I'm Emmett Forrest. Class of aught five. Represent. Welcome to the hallowed halls of Harvard Law. I know firsthand how hard you've all worked to be here today, so let's go around and share a bit about yourselves.

AARON

Aaron Shultz. I won a Fullbright and a Rhodes and became fabulously wealthy writing financial software code. But spending my money grew painfully insipid and stale, so now I'm here at Harvard Law.

EMMETT

Well, that's-

PADAMADAN

Sundeep Agrawal Padamadan. In my country I was a benevolent dictator, until the coup d'etat. Now I am studying at Harvard Law until my inevitable return. And you may call me "Your Majesty."

EMMETT

Pleased to-

ENID

Enid Hoopes. I did the Peace Corps, building family clinics by hand out of mud and trees. It was hot and exhausting and I loved every minute of it. But Harvard Law needs me more. Because we need more women in power fighting the oppressive, patriarchal-

(ELLE sunnily enters the room.)

ELLE

I love your top! It's so fatigue chic. So how psyched are you guys? Snaps, our first day at Harvard Law.

(silence)

Hi. I'm Elle Woods. And this is Bruiser Woods.

ENID

(grudgingly)

Enid.

ELLE

Oh my God, we both have names that start with an E!

ENID

(sarcastic)

Oh my God, we're, like, practically twins!

(Other STUDENTS snicker.)

EMMETT

(coming to rescue)

We're just going around the room...tell us something about yourself.

SIDE 5

KATE

Harvard Law School?

ELLE

I have a 4.0 average.

KATE

Yeah, in fashion merchandising. What makes you think you can do this?

SIDE 6

PAULETTE

There. Now you're ready for your big trial. You sure you don't want me to paint little gavels on 'em for ya? When the jury people see those nails, they'll know they can trust ya.

ELLE

Which is more than my team is doing. They're all over me to give up Brooke's alibi.

PAULETTE

Including your-

(does air quotes)

-"friend" Emmett?

ELLE

Paulette, he's just my friend.

PAULETTE

Right. And I could use a friend like that.

( #24 - KYLE THE MAGNIFICENT (PART 1) begins. PAULETTE suddenly sees KYLE and is instantly mute.)

KYLE

I've got a package. For Miss Paulette Buonufonte.

(PAULETTE goes limp at the sight of him, but manages to raise a weak hand. Her hand remains in the air as KYLE approaches.)

The name's Kyle. This is my new route and the first stop of the day. Kinda cool karma, huh?

(ELLE grabs the stylus and signs for the package herself.)

Alrighty, then. Do me a favor? You have yourself a super day.

( #25 - KYLE THE MAGNIFICENT (PART 2) begins. PAULETTE nods awkwardly as KYLE saunters out of the salon.)

ELLE

So talk to him already.

(ELLE hands the stylus to PAULETTE.)

PAULETTE

Right. I can't talk to guys like that. I'm not like you... I got nothing to offer.

SIDE 7

PAULETTE

It's days like today I miss my dog Rufus the most. He's my angel...

(ELLE looks at the photo)

ELLE

Beyond adorable. And no woman should be denied her dog.

PAULETTE

Tell me something I don't know.

(PAULETTE pulls herself together as VIVIENNE and her FRIENDS enter, talk amongst themselves.)

VIVIENNE

So I'll bring the lobster potstickers.

WHITNEY

Perfect. Now that's a party.

(VIVIENNE stops in her tracks when she sees ELLE. ELLE can 't help but perk up and be hopeful at the mention of 'party. ')

ELLE

(can 't help herself, blurts)

There's a party?

(sees VIVIENNE)

Oh. Hello, Vivienne.

VIVIENNE

Hello, Elle.

WHITNEY

Yeah...

(looks to VIVIENNE, nervous)

Next Friday night a few people are getting together...

PAULETTE

Hey, maybe that guy you like'll be there, Elle! You should go!

(Instantly VIVIENNE knows who the guy in question is and embraces the opportunity.)

VIVIENNE

Definitely come. It's a costume party.

ELLE

I love costume parties!

VIVIENNE

Of course you do... Next Friday at eight, 243 Mass Ave. See you there.

ELLE

Thanks, Vivienne.

VIVIENNE and WHITNEY exit.)

PAULETTE

Now go and do this, honey. 'Cause if a girl like you can't win back your man, there's no hope for the rest of us.

ELLE

Thank you for talking me off the ledge, Paulette! You have no idea how much I needed this!

(ELLE and PAULETTE hug and ELLE dashes out to change.)

PAULETTE

Now you go and fight for him!

SIDE 8

PAULETTE

Hey there! Welcome to the Hair Affair.

ELLE

Make me a brunette.

PAULETTE

What? Brunette? Honey-

(gestures to her hair)

-you're a genetic lotto win! Alright, something else is goin' on here. Back up. Paulette's listenin'. Spill.

ELLE

Okay. I'm Elle Woods, and I came all the way out for Harvard Law School-

PAULETTE

That's a good school!

ELLE

I know, right? And I did it to follow my one true love Warner out here and now he's... he's dating this evil preppie.

PAULETTE

So what's she got that you don't got?

ELLE

She's-

(air quotes)

-"serious" with mousy brown hair. Apparently that's what Warner wants. So, you have to make me a brunette.

PAULETTE

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you know the number one reason behind all Bad Hair Decisions?

SIDE 9

PILAR

Tell me those are fun-sized.

(ELLE comes out of her room.)

ELLE

Girls, must we all descend into madness?

PILAR

Oh, honey, so good to see you... Look! We brought you new magazines. We've got Town and Country and your favorite, the one they named after you, Elle Magazine.

(The DELTA Nus surround ELLE and try to cheer her up with a stack of magazines. ELLE listlessly leafs through an issue of Town and Country magazine.)

ELLE

Thanks, Pilar. But it's gonna take more than Elle and Town and Country to bring me back from my Shame Spiral.

MARGOT

Well then sweetie, you're just gonna hafta hold on 'cause the new Vogue's not out 'til next week.

(The GIRS make a triangle symbol and look heavenward. ELLE smiles despite herself and flips through Town and Country then screams bloody-murder.)

SERENA

What? Don't tell me ponchos are back in.

(ELLE jerks to attention, holds up the magazine.)

ELLE

No, worse! It's Warner's brother - Peyton Huntington the Fourth and his bride! Pictures from his wedding! LOOK!

(MARGOT and SERENA inspect the photo and collective cringe.)

SERENA

(horrified)

Muffy Vanderbilt?!

MARGOT, SERENA & PILAR

Muffy?!

ELLE

Wait a sec! That's the kind of girl Warner wants! Someone serious!

SIDE 10

SALESWOMAN

(evil)

Oh, blondes make commission so easy.

(The SALESWOMAN rips a sale tag off a dress and swoops down on ELLE.)

(sunny)

Excuse me, have you seen this? It just came in; it's perfect for a blonde.

ELLE

Right, with a half-loop stitch on china silk?

SALESWOMAN

Uh huh.

ELLE

But the thing is, you can't use a half-loop stitch on china silk. It'll pucker. And you didn't just get this in because I saw it in last May's Vogue.

SIDE 11

VIVIENNE

All that pink you're wearing. Is that even legal?

ELLE

Pink's my signature color.

VIVIENNE

So I gathered.

EMMETT

Callahan should be here any second. Three years ago I was sitting right where you're sitting and I'd heard the same rumors I'm sure you've heard too. Callahan's ruthless. What you really need to know is-

(EMMETT falls silent as CALLAHAN enters.)

CALLAHAN

-You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you.

(The CLASS sits up straight to listen.)

When you choose a career in law you're bound to hear that "a lawyer is a shark." Ignore that. It's simplistic and it's stupid. Only some of you will turn out sharks. The rest...are chum.

(No reaction from the CLASS.)

What's my point? I'll tell you. From this class I will hire four young sharks to work at my billion-dollar law firm. As interns. For me. Virtually guaranteeing a career. Provided you can survive.

(CALLAHAN notices ELLE in the front row.)

Now, Ms...?

ELLE

(brightly)

Woods. Elle Woods.

CALLAHAN

Someone's had their morning coffee. Would you summarize the case of State of Indiana v. Hearne from your reading, please.

ELLE

Okay, who assigns reading for the first day of class?

SIDE 12

VIVIENNE

I didn't make you look bad, you just weren't prepared. Try opening a law book. But I should warn you. They don't come with pictures.

EMMETT

So I'll give you ladies a moment then.

(EMMETT creeps back into class. WARNER enters.)

WARNER

Hey!-

ELLE

Warner! Thank God you're here.

(ELLE goes up to a stunned WARNER.)

WARNER

Elle, I'm sorry-

ELLE

Sorry about what?

VIVIENNE

Warner, is there something you'd like to share with Elle?

ELLE

Do you know her?

WARNER

Yeah... Elle, Vivienne and I went to boarding school together... and she's my girlfriend now.

ELLE

I'm sorry. What did you say?

VIVIENNE

He said I'm his girlfriend.

ELLE

GIRLFRIEND?!?!?!?!