SIDE 1

BISHOP

People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new King and Queen-

FIONA

Um... Excuse me... Could we just skip to the  I do s?

BISHOP

Right, well then. Uh, do you, Lord Farquaad, take Princess Fiona?

FARQUAAD

I do.

BISHOP

And do you, Princess Fio-

FIONA

I do.

SHREK

Stop the wedding!

(FIONA reacts in shock and hope. SHREK comes down the aisle, joined by the FAIRY TALE CREATURES.)

FIONA

Shrek...?

FARQUAAD

Really?! Showing up uninvited with your freaky friends? Ewww!

SHREK

Fiona  I need to talk to you.

FIONA

Oh, now you want to talk? Well it s a little late for that. So if you ll excuse me-

SHREK

But you can t marry him!

FIONA

And why not?

SHREK

Because  because he s just marrying you so he can be King.

FARQUAAD

That is outrageous!! Fiona, don t listen to him!

SHREK

He s not your true love.

FARQUAAD

Guards, take this abomination out of my sight!

FIONA

No! Uhh... I mean... let s hear what the... monster has to say. It might be worth a laugh.

FARQUAAD

Oh, you are awful. You heard her, ogre. Express yourself... with as few grunts as possible.

SIDE 2

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD

(trying to muster the courage)

By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest.

SHREK

Under arrest, eh?

(pause)

Boo.

(The GUARDS freeze in fear, knees shaking.)

GUARDS

Ahhhhhh!

SHREK

(whispers)

This is the part where you run away.

(The GUARDS do, screaming as they flee.)

And don t come back! Now, which way to Duloc&

(With that done, SHREK takes out the map and tries to figure out which way leads to Duloc. DONKEY smiles up at his new hero.)

DONKEY

Can I just say? That was incredible. Man, they were trippin over themselves to get away from you. I liked that.

SHREK

Oh, good. I m glad. Now, why don t you go celebrate your narrow escape with your friends?

DONKEY

But I don t have any friends.

SHREK

Now there;s a shocker.

DONKEY

Heh-heh that s funny. Say, you lost or something?

SHREK

No, I m just trying to figure out the best route to Duloc.

DONKEY

Oh Duloc! I know Duloc! You gotta let me show you the way, because I am like a GPS with fur!

SHREK

I ll be fine on my own, thanks.

DONKEY

But nobody s fine on their own! Not when you look like we do! Hey! Didn t you hear what they said? Man, this place is goin Stepford! We gotta join forces! Otherwise they re gonna lock me up! And I cannot go back in a cage! I don t know if I mentioned it or not, but I did six years in solitary for impersonating a piñata.

SHREK

Alright, look, only because I m lost, you can come-

DONKEY

Yeah! Woo-hoo, alright-!

SHREK

On one condition! You keep the jabbering to a minimum.

DONKEY

You got it! No jabbering! Man, you will not regret this.

SHREK

Too late.

DONKEY

Now that s what I m talking about! Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind big city adventure!

SIDE 3

FARQUAAD

Boooooooooooooooooo!

(turns to FIONA)

Are we ready, darling?

FIONA

I can t.

(FIONA rushes off.)

PINOCCHIO

That s it! We ve taken your abuse for the last time, Farquaad!

BABY BEAR

Well no more!

WITCH

It ends today!

PIG #1

Power to zee piggies!

MAMA BEAR

We demand our homes back!

PINOCCHIO

And our rightful place in Duloc! Right guys?

FAIRY TALE CREATURES

(ad libbed)

This guy is a sham! He ll pay! Up with fairies! Power to the cookies! (etc.)

FARQUAAD

It ll be a dark day before I let you freaks ruin my wedding!

PINOCCHIO

Freaks, eh? Well, I guess it takes one to know one.

FARQUAAD

What?

PINOCCHIO

Be prepared to have your mind blown.

(PINOCCHIO gestures. The FAIRY TALE CREATURES part, and a very grumpy DWARF steps forward.)

DWARF

Hiiiiii-hoooooooh!

FARQUAAD

(reels a bit)

Daddy?

(The CROWD gasps.)

DWARF

I suppose my invitation was lost in the mail?

FARQUAAD

Well maybe if you hadn t abandoned me in the woods!

DWARF

Abandoned you? You were twenty-eight, and living in my basement!

PINOCCHIO

People of Duloc, your leader if a Halfling!

MAMA BEAR

Which is a lovely thing to be!

FARQUAAD

(tantrum)

I m a king! I m a big man! A big tall giant man with a kingdom!

Not-a-freak! Not-a-freak! I have a castle!

FIONA

(enters with a lantern, which illuminates her face)

Stop the wedding!