SIDE 1

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD

(trying to muster the courage)

By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest.

SHREK

Under arrest, eh?

(pause)

Boo.

(The GUARDS freeze in fear, knees shaking.)

GUARDS

Ahhhhhh!

SHREK

(whispers)

This is the part where you run away.

(The GUARDS do, screaming as they flee.)

And don t come back! Now, which way to Duloc&

(With that done, SHREK takes out the map and tries to figure out which way leads to Duloc. DONKEY smiles up at his new hero.)

DONKEY

Can I just say? That was incredible. Man, they were trippin over themselves to get away from you. I liked that.

SHREK

Oh, good. I m glad. Now, why don t you go celebrate your narrow escape with your friends?

DONKEY

But I don t have any friends.

SHREK

Now there;s a shocker.

DONKEY

Heh-heh that s funny. Say, you lost or something?

SHREK

No, I m just trying to figure out the best route to Duloc.

DONKEY

Oh Duloc! I know Duloc! You gotta let me show you the way, because I am like a GPS with fur!

SHREK

I ll be fine on my own, thanks.

DONKEY

But nobody s fine on their own! Not when you look like we do! Hey! Didn t you hear what they said? Man, this place is goin Stepford! We gotta join forces! Otherwise they re gonna lock me up! And I cannot go back in a cage! I don t know if I mentioned it or not, but I did six years in solitary for impersonating a piñata.

SHREK

Alright, look, only because I m lost, you can come-

DONKEY

Yeah! Woo-hoo, alright-!

SHREK

On one condition! You keep the jabbering to a minimum.

DONKEY

You got it! No jabbering! Man, you will not regret this.

SHREK

Too late.

DONKEY

Now that s what I m talking about! Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind big city adventure!

SIDE 2

(GUARDS lead on a group of FAIRY TALE CREATURES)

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS

Right this way. Don t mind the mud. You ll get used to it.

PINOCCHIO

This place is a dump!

WOLF

It s not fit for a pig!

PIG #3

(German accent)

Hello!

PIG #2

(German accent)

Vee can hear you!

PIG #1

(German accent)

Vee are standing right here!

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS

Look, you all read Lord Farquaad s decree.

PINOCCHIO

Yeah, yeah, we read it.  All fairy tale creatures have been banished from the Kingdom of Duloc. All fruitcakes and freaks are hereby evicted.

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS

Alright, when I call your name, step forward.