SIDE 1

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD

(trying to muster the courage)

By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest.

SHREK

Under arrest, eh?

(pause)

Boo.

(The GUARDS freeze in fear, knees shaking.)

GUARDS

Ahhhhhh!

SHREK

(whispers)

This is the part where you run away.

(The GUARDS do, screaming as they flee.)

And don t come back! Now, which way to Duloc&

(With that done, SHREK takes out the map and tries to figure out which way leads to Duloc. DONKEY smiles up at his new hero.)

DONKEY

Can I just say? That was incredible. Man, they were trippin over themselves to get away from you. I liked that.

SHREK

Oh, good. I m glad. Now, why don t you go celebrate your narrow escape with your friends?

DONKEY

But I don t have any friends.

SHREK

Now there;s a shocker.

DONKEY

Heh-heh that s funny. Say, you lost or something?

SHREK

No, I m just trying to figure out the best route to Duloc.

DONKEY

Oh Duloc! I know Duloc! You gotta let me show you the way, because I am like a GPS with fur!

SHREK

I ll be fine on my own, thanks.

DONKEY

But nobody s fine on their own! Not when you look like we do! Hey! Didn t you hear what they said? Man, this place is goin Stepford! We gotta join forces! Otherwise they re gonna lock me up! And I cannot go back in a cage! I don t know if I mentioned it or not, but I did six years in solitary for impersonating a piñata.

SHREK

Alright, look, only because I m lost, you can come-

DONKEY

Yeah! Woo-hoo, alright-!

SHREK

On one condition! You keep the jabbering to a minimum.

DONKEY

You got it! No jabbering! Man, you will not regret this.

SHREK

Too late.

DONKEY

Now that s what I m talking about! Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind big city adventure!

SIDE 2

DONKEY

Shrek! I heard a roar! Shrek! I am two seconds away from leaving you here! This place is creepy!

(Four KNIGHTS with long beards are chained to the wall. Bits of rusted armor may hang off them. They  ve been here a long time.)

KNIGHT 1

You don t know the half of it.

DONKEY

Ahhhh!

KNIGHT 1

Sorry.

KNIGHT 2

Hey, it s a new guy! We haven t had a new guy in a couple of years!

DONKEY

Shrek! Come back! There are people with beards!

KNIGHT 3

Shhh! You don t wanna wake her up.

KNIGHT 4

She gets really mad.

DONKEY

What are you talking about? Who are you people?

KNIGHT 1

We re knights. We came to rescue the princess.

KNIGHT 3

Just like you.

KNIGHT 4

None of us made it, though.

KNIGHT 2

We re the lucky ones. Everyone else she incinerated.

KNIGHT 1

She keeps us around because we sing backup.

DONKEY

What?

(DONKEY turns around and comes face to face with the DRAGON.)

Dragon!? I m outta here.

SIDE 3

FIONA

(being shaken)

Uhl-uhl-uhl!

SHREK

Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA

I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

SHREK

Ah, that s nice. Now let s go.

FIONA

But wait, Sir Knight! I have long awaited this day! And I would st first like to knowest the name of my champion.

SHREK

Um... Shrek.

FIONA

Sir, Shrek...

(produces handkerchief)

I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

(SHREK regards the handkerchief, then wipes his neck with it, and hands it back to FIONA.)

SHREK

Thanks. All right, let s go.

(SHREK climbs down from the tower.)

FIONA

Now holdest on, Sir Knight. Don t you want to savor this moment? It be-eth our first meeting. It must be a wonderful and romantic scene.

(FIONA strikes a pose.)

SHREK

Aw geez, I m like a crackpot magnet.

(The DRAGON roars offstage.)

FIONA

You didn t slay the dragon?

SHREK

It s on my to-do list. Come on!

(FIONA climbs down from the tower. DONKEY runs across the stage.)

SHREK

Donkey!

DONKEY

Shrek!

(DRAGON enters chasing DONKEY.)

FIONA

Dragon!

ALL

Run!!