SIDE 1

BISHOP

People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new King and Queen-

FIONA

Um... Excuse me... Could we just skip to the  I do s?

BISHOP

Right, well then. Uh, do you, Lord Farquaad, take Princess Fiona?

FARQUAAD

I do.

BISHOP

And do you, Princess Fio-

FIONA

I do.

SHREK

Stop the wedding!

(FIONA reacts in shock and hope. SHREK comes down the aisle, joined by the FAIRY TALE CREATURES.)

FIONA

Shrek...?

FARQUAAD

Really?! Showing up uninvited with your freaky friends? Ewww!

SHREK

Fiona  I need to talk to you.

FIONA

Oh, now you want to talk? Well it s a little late for that. So if you ll excuse me-

SHREK

But you can t marry him!

FIONA

And why not?

SHREK

Because  because he s just marrying you so he can be King.

FARQUAAD

That is outrageous!! Fiona, don t listen to him!

SHREK

He s not your true love.

FARQUAAD

Guards, take this abomination out of my sight!

FIONA

No! Uhh... I mean... let s hear what the... monster has to say. It might be worth a laugh.

FARQUAAD

Oh, you are awful. You heard her, ogre. Express yourself... with as few grunts as possible.

SIDE 2

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD

(trying to muster the courage)

By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest.

SHREK

Under arrest, eh?

(pause)

Boo.

(The GUARDS freeze in fear, knees shaking.)

GUARDS

Ahhhhhh!

SHREK

(whispers)

This is the part where you run away.

(The GUARDS do, screaming as they flee.)

And don t come back! Now, which way to Duloc&

(With that done, SHREK takes out the map and tries to figure out which way leads to Duloc. DONKEY smiles up at his new hero.)

DONKEY

Can I just say? That was incredible. Man, they were trippin over themselves to get away from you. I liked that.

SHREK

Oh, good. I m glad. Now, why don t you go celebrate your narrow escape with your friends?

DONKEY

But I don t have any friends.

SHREK

Now there;s a shocker.

DONKEY

Heh-heh that s funny. Say, you lost or something?

SHREK

No, I m just trying to figure out the best route to Duloc.

DONKEY

Oh Duloc! I know Duloc! You gotta let me show you the way, because I am like a GPS with fur!

SHREK

I ll be fine on my own, thanks.

DONKEY

But nobody s fine on their own! Not when you look like we do! Hey! Didn t you hear what they said? Man, this place is goin Stepford! We gotta join forces! Otherwise they re gonna lock me up! And I cannot go back in a cage! I don t know if I mentioned it or not, but I did six years in solitary for impersonating a piñata.

SHREK

Alright, look, only because I m lost, you can come-

DONKEY

Yeah! Woo-hoo, alright-!

SHREK

On one condition! You keep the jabbering to a minimum.

DONKEY

You got it! No jabbering! Man, you will not regret this.

SHREK

Too late.

DONKEY

Now that s what I m talking about! Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind big city adventure!

SIDE 3

FIONA

(being shaken)

Uhl-uhl-uhl!

SHREK

Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA

I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

SHREK

Ah, that s nice. Now let s go.

FIONA

But wait, Sir Knight! I have long awaited this day! And I would st first like to knowest the name of my champion.

SHREK

Um... Shrek.

FIONA

Sir, Shrek...

(produces handkerchief)

I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

(SHREK regards the handkerchief, then wipes his neck with it, and hands it back to FIONA.)

SHREK

Thanks. All right, let s go.

(SHREK climbs down from the tower.)

FIONA

Now holdest on, Sir Knight. Don t you want to savor this moment? It be-eth our first meeting. It must be a wonderful and romantic scene.

(FIONA strikes a pose.)

SHREK

Aw geez, I m like a crackpot magnet.

(The DRAGON roars offstage.)

FIONA

You didn t slay the dragon?

SHREK

It s on my to-do list. Come on!

(FIONA climbs down from the tower. DONKEY runs across the stage.)

SHREK

Donkey!

DONKEY

Shrek!

(DRAGON enters chasing DONKEY.)

FIONA

Dragon!

ALL

Run!!

SIDE 4

SHREK

What are you doing in my swamp?

PINOCCHIO

Well gosh, we were forced to come here.

SHREK

Forced? By who?

PIG #2

Lord Farquaad! He hoofed und he poofed, und he signed an eveection notice.

SHREK

Huh. Well, not my problem. Now you all need to turn around and go back where you came from.

MAMA BEAR

Go back?! We can t go back!

PIG #1

Farquaad vill turn us into bratvurst!

BIG BAD WOLF

The guy s bad news.

PIG #3

Hey, maybe you could talk to him.

BABY BEAR

Yeah, he ll listen to you! You re big and scary.

SHREK

I m also an ogre, which means I stay on my swamp and avoid large crowds. Or haven t you read the stories?

BIG BAD WOLF

You mean those stories that say I m a big  bad wolf?

WICKED WITCH

And the ones that say I m a  wicked witch?

(All the FAIRY TALE CREATURES laugh uproariously.)

PINOCCHIO

Or the ones that say I m a  wooden boy!

(uncomfortable silence)

What? I m not a wooden boy.

(His nose grows  bwoooop.)

I have a glandular condition.

WICKED WITCH

Look here, ogre, I m gonna spell it out for ya. You re the only one tough enough to stand up to that no-good flim-flammer Farquaad.

SHREK

Okay, fine, I get it! Attention all... fairy tale things! I m gonna go see this Farquaad guy right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!