SIDE 1

MATILDA

And so the great day arrived.

(MATILDA)

Everything was arranged by the Acrobat's sister - a frightening woman who used to be an Olympic-class hammer thrower, and who loved nothing better than to scare the children of the town. Suddenly, out came the Escapologist.

ESCAPOLOGIST

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... (chord) The Burning Woman Hurling Through The Air (chord) With Dynamite In Her Hair (chord) Over Sharks And Spiky Objects (chord), Caught By The Man Locked In The Cage... (chord) has been... cancelled.

MRS. PHELPS

No!

ESCAPOLOGIST

Cancelled because my wife is... pregnant.

MRS. PHELPS

So it has a happy ending?

MATILDA

No!

(MATILDA)

Just then the Acrobat's sister stepped forward and produced... a contract.

TRUNCHBULL

(offstage)

I have paid for the posters, publicity, the catering, the toilet facilities. Where is my profit? A contract is a contract. You will perform on this day or off to prison you both shall go!

MRS. PHELPS

No, no!

(MATILDA begins to exit.)

W-w-what happens next?

MATILDA

I don't know, yet. I'll tell you tomorrow.

END

 

 

SIDE 2

NIGEL

Cat; C-A... F! Cat.

(TRUNCHBULL glares at him.)

I... I got it wrong, Miss. You have to put me in chokey too.

TRUNCHBULL

Whaaaat...?

ERIC

Dog; D-Y-P. Dog. And me.

AMANDA

Table; X-A-B-F-Y. And me.

TRUNCHBULL

What are you doing? What's going on? Stop this!

HORTENSIA

You can't put us all in chokey. Banana; G-T-A-A-B-L!

MATILDA

Bully; P-Y-T-L-F-D-R-V-S-W

END

 

SIDE 3

(TRUNCHBULL)

Well?

(They have no idea what she means.)

Come along, Bogtrotter.

BRUCE

What? Where?

TRUNCHBULL

Oh, did I not mention? That was the first part of your punishment. There's more. The second part. And the second part is... chokey!

BRUCE

What?

MISS HONEY

No, Miss Trunchbull please, you can't!

TRUNCHBULL

Do you think I would allow myself to be defeated by these maggots? Did you? Who do you think I am, Miss Honey? A weakling? An idiot? You?

(The TRUNCHBULL storms back to BRUCE and grabs him by the wrist.)

BRUCE

No, please! Not that! Don't take me to chokey. Not that! Nooo!

(The TRUNCHBULL drags BRUCE out.)

MATILDA

That's not right!

END

 

SIDE 4

TRUNCHBULL

(to MISS HONEY)

Sit.

(MISS HONEY sits.)

Miss Honey, you believe in kindness and fluffiness and books and stories. That is not teaching! To teach the child, we must first break the child.

(She blows a whistle. The KIDS march on, stop, silent. Pause.)

Quiet you maggots!!!

MISS HONEY

But no one was speaking, Miss Trunchbull.

TRUNCHBULL

Miss Honey, when I say 'Quiet, you maggots', you are entirely included in that statement. Where is my jug of water?

LAVENDER

I'll get it Miss Trunchbull.

(LAVENDER gets up. She is hugely excited. She cannot help but give the audience a huge

thumbs-up as she goes.)

TRUNCHBULL

Stupid girl.

(to the others)

Look at you. Flabby! Disgusting! Revolting! Revolting, I say! I think it's time we toughened you all up with a little... Phys-ed.

END