SIDE 1

MATILDA

And so the great day arrived.

(MATILDA)

Everything was arranged by the Acrobat's sister - a frightening woman who used to be an Olympic-class hammer thrower, and who loved nothing better than to scare the children of the town. Suddenly, out came the Escapologist.

ESCAPOLOGIST

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... (chord) The Burning Woman Hurling Through The Air (chord) With Dynamite In Her Hair (chord) Over Sharks And Spiky Objects (chord), Caught By The Man Locked In The Cage... (chord) has been... cancelled.

MRS. PHELPS

No!

ESCAPOLOGIST

Cancelled because my wife is... pregnant.

MRS. PHELPS

So it has a happy ending?

MATILDA

No!

(MATILDA)

Just then the Acrobat's sister stepped forward and produced... a contract.

TRUNCHBULL

(offstage)

I have paid for the posters, publicity, the catering, the toilet facilities. Where is my profit? A contract is a contract. You will perform on this day or off to prison you both shall go!

MRS. PHELPS

No, no!

(MATILDA begins to exit.)

W-w-what happens next?

MATILDA

I don't know, yet. I'll tell you tomorrow.

END

SIDE 2

MRS. PHELPS

What? Is there a child at school who's behaving like a bully?

MATILDA

Not a child exactly. Do you want to hear the next part of the story?

MRS. PHELPS

What are we waiting for?

MATILDA

As they prepared themselves for the most dangerous feat that had ever been performed, the Acrobat gave her husband a kiss-

ACROBAT

Smile - we have done this a thousand times.

ESCAPOLOGIST

First I escape from the cage, lean out, catch you with one hand, grab a fire extinguisher with the other, and put out the flames on your specially designed dress before they reach the dynamite and blow your head off!

MRS. PHELPS

(screams)

Ahhhhhhh!

(beat)

Sorry. Go on.

MATILDA

The trick started well. The moment the dress was set alight, the Acrobat swung into the air. She hurled over the sharks and spiky objects - suddenly the padlocks pinged open and the huge chains fell away - the door flung open and the Escapologist reached out to catch his wife and the child-

MRS. PHELPS

Oh, I can't look!

END