SIDE 1

PHINEOUS TROUT

Ladies and Gentlemen, Wonka ar sales are up to over two hundred thousand an hour and this just in. The fourth Golden Ticket has been located in Television City, California.

(WONKA enters and gestures, causing Mike's Golden Ticket to light)

(PHINEOUS TROUT)

Leaving only the fifth and final ticket to be found! We're live at the home of Mike Teavee, the finder of the fourth Golden Ticket. Here's Ms. Teavee now. Tell us about finding the Golden Ticket, ma'am!

MS. TEAVEE

You see, Mike and I were-

MIKE

(watching TV)

Shut your pie-hole, toots. Didn't I tell you not to interrupt! This is the best part! Crack, smack, whack! Dead. Did you see him die? That was so totally awesome!

PHINEOUS TROUT

Very cool, Mike. Now, Ms. Teavee, about the Golden Ticket-

MIKE

Yeah! I got a Ticket. Big deal! Means I'm gonna miss at least an hour of my second favorite show, and I'm gonna have to leave the house to tour some stupid chocolate factory. Right. Whatever... Hit him! Hit him harder!

PHINEOUS TROUT

Now, which school does our Golden Ticket winner attend?

MIKE

What are you, crazy? Who needs school? I got my screens and the 'net, fool.

END

 

SIDE 2

AUGUSTUS

Here's my Golden Ticket, Mr. Wonka. Ah, ah, choo!

MRS. GLOOP

He has a cold.

VERUCA

(rudely interrupting)

My name is Veruca Salt.

WONKA

I always thought a veruca was a wart, but you don't look like a wart at all... more of a mole, or perhaps a bunion-

MR. SALT

How ya' doing, Wonka. Salt's the name and I'm nuts! Nuts for nuts that is! An operation like this must go through a million nuts...

WONKA

Make that a million and one - your ticket?

VERUCA

Here's your silly ticket. Can I have it back after the tour?

WONKA

(tearing up the Golden Ticket)

Of course you can, my dear. Of course.

(beat)

Violet Beauregarde!

VIOLET

I hear ya'. Here's our ticket.

(VIOLET snaps her gum.)

WONKA

There is no gum chewing allowed on the tour.

VIOLET

But you make gum.

MRS. BEAUREGARDE

Mr. Wonka asked you to remove your gum. Do we need to negotiate?

VIOLET

Psycho babble whatever.

(VIOLET places the gum behind her ear.)

WONKA

Mike Teavee?

(beat)

Mr. Mike Teavee and guest?

MIKE

Hold your pantyhose, a commercial's coming up.

MS. TEAVEE

Here's our ticket, Mr. Wonka.

WONKA

Scrumptious. Oh, and Mike, there's no television reception in the factory.

MIKE

None?

WONKA

None whatsoever...

(laughing maniacally)

Chuck Bucket?

GRANDPA JOE

It's Charlie, Mr. Wonka. Charlie Bucket. Here's our ticket.

WONKA

(to CHARLIE)

So you're Charlie Bucket? Odd coincidence you finding your ticket just in time...

GRANDPA JOE

Now see here, Wonka, if you're saying our ticket is a phony-

WONKA

Pleasure to meet you, too, Mr.-

GRANDPA JOE

You know me, Wonka.

WONKA

Do I? Well then! Let's proceed. We start with a contract.

(A giant contract drops from above.)

Raise your right hand... "I hereby swear not to touch, malign, assign, clutch, share, tear, or wear, none such, party of the first part, and so on..." Please sign below.

MR. SALT

Not without my lawyer! Let me give him a ring.

END