SIDE 1

PHINEOUS TROUT

We interrupt the Orphan Annie Radio Hour to bring you this important news flash. A third Golden Ticket has been found in Snellville, Georgia.

(WONKA enters and gestures, causing Violet's Golden Ticket to glow.)

(PHINEOUS TROUT)

And what is your name, young lady?

(VIOLET steps forward, loudly chewing gum into an old- fashioned Decca microphone. VIOLET and her mother are dressed exactly alike.)

VIOLET

Violet. Violet Beauregarde.

MRS. BEAUREGARDE

Violet, quit chewing your gum so loudly. Remember what your therapist said about acting out-

VIOLET

Ah, can it, Ma! You flap your jaws as much as I do...

PHINEOUS TROUT

Now tell us, Violet, how did you find your Golden Ticket?

VIOLET

I'm a gum chewer, normally, but when I heard about Wonka's contest, I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars. Now of course I'm right back on gum. In fact, I've been working on this piece for over three months solid. I've beaten the record set by my best friend, Cornelia Prinzmetel. Hi, Cornelia... listen to this...

END

 

SIDE 2

AUGUSTUS

Here's my Golden Ticket, Mr. Wonka. Ah, ah, choo!

MRS. GLOOP

He has a cold.

VERUCA

(rudely interrupting)

My name is Veruca Salt.

WONKA

I always thought a veruca was a wart, but you don't look like a wart at all... more of a mole, or perhaps a bunion-

MR. SALT

How ya' doing, Wonka. Salt's the name and I'm nuts! Nuts for nuts that is! An operation like this must go through a million nuts...

WONKA

Make that a million and one - your ticket?

VERUCA

Here's your silly ticket. Can I have it back after the tour?

WONKA

(tearing up the Golden Ticket)

Of course you can, my dear. Of course.

(beat)

Violet Beauregarde!

VIOLET

I hear ya'. Here's our ticket.

(VIOLET snaps her gum.)

WONKA

There is no gum chewing allowed on the tour.

VIOLET

But you make gum.

MRS. BEAUREGARDE

Mr. Wonka asked you to remove your gum. Do we need to negotiate?

VIOLET

Psycho babble whatever.

(VIOLET places the gum behind her ear.)

WONKA

Mike Teavee?

(beat)

Mr. Mike Teavee and guest?

MIKE

Hold your pantyhose, a commercial's coming up.

MS. TEAVEE

Here's our ticket, Mr. Wonka.

WONKA

Scrumptious. Oh, and Mike, there's no television reception in the factory.

MIKE

None?

WONKA

None whatsoever...

(laughing maniacally)

Chuck Bucket?

GRANDPA JOE

It's Charlie, Mr. Wonka. Charlie Bucket. Here's our ticket.

WONKA

(to CHARLIE)

So you're Charlie Bucket? Odd coincidence you finding your ticket just in time...

GRANDPA JOE

Now see here, Wonka, if you're saying our ticket is a phony-

WONKA

Pleasure to meet you, too, Mr.-

GRANDPA JOE

You know me, Wonka.

WONKA

Do I? Well then! Let's proceed. We start with a contract.

(A giant contract drops from above.)

Raise your right hand... "I hereby swear not to touch, malign, assign, clutch, share, tear, or wear, none such, party of the first part, and so on..." Please sign below.

MR. SALT

Not without my lawyer! Let me give him a ring.

END