Script

SIDE 1

SPONGE

We didn't do it!


(SPONGE tosses the purse offstage.)


 BILLY BOBBY-COP

As long as you keep them contributions to the policeman's fund up-to-date, we've got no trouble with you.

SPIKER

How can we be of help to such devastatingly handsome representatives of Scotland Yard?


BOBBY BOBBY-COP

Got an official telegram for the two of you.

(BOBBY BOBBY-COP refuses to give the telegram without receiving payment. SPONGE digs deeply into her pocket, retrieves a coin and
hands it to BOBBY BOBBY-COP.)

'Ere you go.


(BILLY and BOBBY BOBBY-COP exit in perfect unison movement.)

SPONGE

(snatching the telegram)

Thanks, mates.


SPIKER

What's it say? What's it say?


SPONGE

It says... we're having a baby!


(The VAGRANTS look at SPIKER and SPONGE in disbelief and disgust.)

SPIKER

Give that to me! (reading the telegram) Blah, blah, blah, blah parents. Blah, blah, blah eaten by a rhino, blah, blah, blah oh dear me.

SIDE 2

SPIKER

Nothin more to do now but count our money.

SPONGE

How many contracts do you think we signed?

SPIKER

Hundreds my dear. Maybe thousands. And them contracts pay us big time money in advance. All we ve gotta do is deliver that peach.

JAMES

Do you think we could move to the seashore? Or maybe take a trip?

(SPONGE and SPIKER look incredulously at JAMES.)

SPONGE

We ain t doin nothin .

JAMES

But, it was me that made the peach grow.

SPONGE

Liar.


JAMES

But, I did make the peach grow.

SPONGE

You couldn t make my toenails grow.

JAMES

But

SPIKER

(smiling broadly)

James, my dear, dear foolish boy. Raise your right hand and repeat after me: I, James whatever Trotter, am a worthless, lying little boy. And nobody will ever be interested in anything I have to say. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever, ever, ever.

SPONGE

So keep your comments and your clever little lies to yourself.

SPIKER

Hey Sponge, what do you think of my new scarf?

(SPIKER holds the scarf that was James mother s high in the air.)

SPONGE

It s not nearly as lovely as my new glasses!

(SPONGE holds James father s glasses high in the air.)

SPIKER

Oh, dear. Look what I ve done.

SPIKER holds up the scarf and then tears it in half.

JAMES

Stop, please don t.

(SPONGE snaps the glasses in half.)

SPONGE

Now, you listen to me, James. Lying little helper monkeys must be punished. So from now on, you will sleep outside.

SPIKER

And should you think of running away, just remember: you can run, you can hide, but we re the only family you ve got.

SIDE 3

SPIKER

That bloody peach nearly killed me!

SPONGE

Thankfully I m a tad bit over my ideal weight, and the peach was ripe. The thing ran right over us

SPIKER

And then it rolled away. Far, far away.

SPONGE

Spikers! The boy?! What s become of him?

SPIKER

We ve got bigger problems than the boy. Did you read any of them contracts we signed?

SPONGE

Only the parts about the money comin in advance.

SPIKER

Do you know what an advance is?

SPONGE

Yeah, it s oodles of money we get for signing them contracts.

SPIKER

It s money paid in advance...

SPONGE

In advance of what?

SPIKER

Delivering on all them promises we made! TV appearances, magazines, movies! Can t do any of  em without a bloomin giant peach.

SPONGE

So, this is bad?

SPIKER

It s worse than bad, you twit! We could go to jail.

SPONGE

I can t go to jail, the food is wholly unacceptable to a sophisticated palate such as mine.

(SPONGE removes a spray can of whipped cream from her purse. SPONGE sprays the whipped cream directly into her mouth.)

SPIKER

Are you quite finished?

(SPONGE squirts one more squirt into her mouth.)

SPONGE

(speaking with her mouth full)

I am now.

SPIKER

Spongers, we ve gotta get out of here before anyone misses that peach!

(An ANGRY CROWD enters the stage.)

SPONGE

Too late, Spikes! There s a crowd headin up the hill.

SPIKER

Are those police cars?

SPONGE

And helicopters!