Script

SIDE 1

(GUARDS lead on a group of FAIRY TALE CREATURES)

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS

Right this way. Don t mind the mud. You ll get used to it.

PINOCCHIO

This place is a dump!

WOLF

It s not fit for a pig!

PIG #3

(German accent)

Hello!

PIG #2

(German accent)

Vee can hear you!

PIG #1

(German accent)

Vee are standing right here!

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS

Look, you all read Lord Farquaad s decree.

PINOCCHIO

Yeah, yeah, we read it.  All fairy tale creatures have been banished from the Kingdom of Duloc. All fruitcakes and freaks are hereby evicted.

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS

Alright, when I call your name, step forward.

SIDE 2

SHREK

What are you doing in my swamp?

PINOCCHIO

Well gosh, we were forced to come here.

SHREK

Forced? By who?

PIG #2

Lord Farquaad! He hoofed und he poofed, und he signed an eveection notice.

SHREK

Huh. Well, not my problem. Now you all need to turn around and go back where you came from.

MAMA BEAR

Go back?! We can t go back!

PIG #1

Farquaad vill turn us into bratvurst!

BIG BAD WOLF

The guy s bad news.

PIG #3

Hey, maybe you could talk to him.

BABY BEAR

Yeah, he ll listen to you! You re big and scary.

SHREK

I m also an ogre, which means I stay on my swamp and avoid large crowds. Or haven t you read the stories?

BIG BAD WOLF

You mean those stories that say I m a big  bad wolf?

WICKED WITCH

And the ones that say I m a  wicked witch?

(All the FAIRY TALE CREATURES laugh uproariously.)

PINOCCHIO

Or the ones that say I m a  wooden boy!

(uncomfortable silence)

What? I m not a wooden boy.

(His nose grows  bwoooop.)

I have a glandular condition.

WICKED WITCH

Look here, ogre, I m gonna spell it out for ya. You re the only one tough enough to stand up to that no-good flim-flammer Farquaad.

SHREK

Okay, fine, I get it! Attention all... fairy tale things! I m gonna go see this Farquaad guy right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!