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Script
Audition Central: Doctor Dolittle JR.
Script: General Bellowes
SIDE 1
(POLYNESIA the parrot stands on Dolittle s desk, watching as MADELINE ushers in GENERAL BELLOWES, a ferocious-looking man not used to being kept waiting. He bursts unceremoniously into the room, leaning heavily on a walking-stick, and hobbling on a heavily bandaged foot.)DOLITTLE
Won t you please come in, General Bellowes? What seems to be the problem?BELLOWES
These pills you gave me last week. They ve done absolutely nothing to cure my gout!(BELLOWES lobs the bottle of pills into the air. To catch them, DOLITTLE drops the heavy book he is holding. It lands on BELLOWES bandaged foot. He roars with pain, and staggers back, falling into a large armchair. He screams in a renewed agony, leaping back up on to his feet and clutching his rear.)
BELLOWES
Aaah! What was that?!DOLITTLE
(calmly)Oh, don t worry! You just sat on Herbert.
BELLOWES
Who the devil is Herbert?DOLITTLE
He s a hedgehog!BELLOWES
What s a hedgehog doing in a doctor s office?DOLITTLE
He s recuperating.BELLOWES
Recuperating? A hedgehog? From what?DOLITTLE
He had a narrow escape from the hounds of The Puddleby Fox Hunt, of which I believe you are Master. He s also recovering from being sat on.BELLOWES
Never mind that. What about my gout? And those useless pills?DOLITTLE
Well, let s see now.(looks at the pills)
Ah, no wonder! These are Jip s distemper pills. I wondered what had happened to them.
BELLOWES
Jip?DOLITTLE
My dog. This explains why he s not feeling any better, either! I ve been treating him for gout! Here, Jip!(JIP trots gratefully over to DOLITTLE, who pops a pill into his mouth. JIP barks in gratitude. DOLITTLE takes a second bottle of pills from his desk and offers them to BELLOWES.)
Here, we d better swap. Sorry about that.
BELLOWES
(furious)I think you d better make up your mind, sir, whether you re running a medical practice or an animal sanctuary! Goodday, sir!
(BELLOWES staggers out of the room. DOLITTLE shakes his head in despair.))
SIDE 2
DOLITTLE
PolynesiaBELLOWES
You studied in Polynesia?DOLITTLE
No, I studied with Polynesia. She s my parrot.BELLOWES
Dolittle, what kind of fool do you take me for?DOLITTLE
I really don t know you well enough to judge, sir. With all due respect, Your Worship, I would appreciate an opportunity to prove my point by talking to any animal you care to nominate& BELLOWES
Very well. My dog Rufus is outside. Bailiff, bring in Rufus!BAILIFF
Call Rufus Bellowes.(BELLOWES large dog RUFUS enters. DOLITTLE barks at him and shakes his left leg. RUFUS barks back. Dog dialogue ensues. The BAILIFF, uncertainly, approaches RUFUS with a bible.)
BAILIFF
Raise your right paw.BELLOWES
Er& I think we can dispense with that formality.(The BAILIFF returns to his place.)
Ask him what I had for dinner last night.
DOLITTLE
Very Wellbr>(DOLITTLE barks at RUFUS and RUFUS barks back.)Did he?... Did he?... Did he?(bark)
Really? That much, eh?
BELLOWES
What did he say?DOLITTLE
DOLITTLEI m grateful that Your Lordship acknowledges the fact that the dog was talking!(The CROWD laughs and applauds.)