Script

SIDE 1

(MRS. MEERS enters from her office, carrying a stack of mail. MRS. MEERS is theatrical by nature, always giving a performance, and the warmth with which she treats the GIRLS barely covers the dangerous cunning that lurks underneath.)

Sad to be all alone in the world! Though none of you need worry, what with your big, warm families.

(indicating the newspaper)

But Mrs. Meers, you gotta read this.

(snatching the newspaper away from ETHEL)

No! You gotta read this: it's a telegram. For you, Ethel! Maybe you landed a role!

(ETHEL crosses to the front desk as GIRLS "Oooh" and "Aaah" regarding her telegram. MRS. MEERS distributes mail to GIRLS.)

Ruthie, emergency funds from home. Alice, Gloria, Rita, Cora, Lucille, Millie& Millie Dillmount? Where is she?

Pounding the pavement.

With her head, poor kid.

And the rest of you? Why, when I was a young actress, I rose with the rooster

(as GIRLS, minus ETHEL, cross to the door)

Don't fuss, Meersie. We'll make you proud.

(GIRLS, minus ETHEL, exit giggling. ETHEL remains at the front desk, seemingly in a state of shock.)

What is it Ethel? Not bad news?

(barely able to speak)
My uncle&

(ETHEL hands MRS. MEERS the telegram. MRS. MEERS reads it.)

"Miss Ethel Peas. Hotel Priscilla. Regret to inform you. Stop. Great Uncle Cyrus killed. Stop. In freak threshing accident " Stop!

(picturing the image of bloody Uncle Cy)
What a way to go!

(offering mere lip service as she starts to exit into her office)
Well, my condolences to your family.

What family? My parents died when I was a baby.

(stops in her tracks)
I had no idea.

No brothers, no sisters.

Cousins? Aunts? Anyone to keep tabs on you?

Just Uncle Cy and me, on a farm in the middle of nowhere.

(barely containing her excitement)
Sad to be all alone in the world! But step into my office and enjoy a soothing cup of tea. By the time you finish, you'll be calm and quiet and ready for a very long nap.

(ETHEL exits into MRS. MEERS's office. MRS. MEERS grabs the phone and dials, turning into one tough businesswoman.)

Hello, Buddha? Butterfly here. I got one for you. Four hundred bucks, cash only. What's there to think about? This offer good for a limited time only, so order now! 'Attaboy, Buddha!

SIDE 2

(The laundry room of the Hotel Priscilla. CHING HO and BUN FOO are folding towels at a laundry table. MRS. MEERS enters wheeling a laundry cart.)

(triumphantly waving the "Daily Graphic")
Boys, here's one for the scrapbook: front page! And look,

(opening the newspaper and pointing)
there I am!

(CHING HO and BUN FOO study the photo, then study her.)

Okay, so it's an old picture. With numbers across my chest. But those days are over! Just give me the right wig, and no one will ever connect Mrs. Meers to that mug shot.

(back to business, barking out orders)
Bun Foo, take Ethel to Buddha, four hundred bucks, C.O.D., A.S.A.P. As for you, Ching Ho, our new arrival is used to the finer things& so let's give her room service, a little snack with enough chloroform to knock her out all the way to Hong Kong!