Script

Side 1

(The CHESHIRE CAT steps forward and addresses the audience.)

CHESHIRE CAT 3

Alice left the Tweedles to sort out their late-onset identity crisis and acute co- dependency-

CHESHIRE CAT 1

And chased after the White Rabbit.

CHESHIRE CAT 2

Whom she trailed through the woods to a house-

CHESHIRE CAT 3

(like a real estate agent)

A comfy little velveteen two-up, three-down, one-man-on-third, A-frame, Watership Down hideaway warren just perfect for such an innnnteresting rabbit.

(ALICE appears as the WHITE RABBIT enters.)

ALICE

Oh, there you are. My name is- oh, wait.

(extending her hand in greeting)

I mean, how do you do, my name is-

WHITE RABBIT

Mary Ann, Mary Ann, hurry, I can't find my gloves-

ALICE

But my name isn't-

WHITE RABBIT

Mary Ann, Ginger, Gilligan, I don't care what your name is. Don't argue with me. You're making me later than I already am.

(points frantically offstage to his house)

Hurry, hurry, my gloves, somewhere in my house. I'm late!!

ALICE

Mary Ann? I should think I know my own name! Boy, I never knew rabbits could be so pushy. Next I'll be taking orders from my pet iguana.

(The CHESHIRE CAT reveals the cookie jar.)

Oh, look - another cookie! What harm could one more do...

(ALICE eats a cookie. #15 - TALLIFICATION 3. ALICE spins offstage.)

CHESHIRE CAT 2

Famous last words.

CHESHIRE CAT 3

Alice took one bite and grew as big as a house.

CHESHIRE CAT 1

The White Rabbit's house to be exact.

CHESHIRE CAT 2

Her arms and legs stuck out the windows and doors-

CHESHIRE CAT 1

And the roof sat on the top of her head!

(TALL ALICE enters wearing the house like a dress and the roof as a hat.)

TALL ALICE

Oh, no. I can't go out in public in this house dress. I've got to do something.

WHITE RABBIT

Help, help! There's a monster in my house! And I'm late!

TALL ALICE

I'm not a monster, I'm a little girl. Okay, a very big little girl.

WHITE RABBIT

Help, help! There's a very big little girl in my house. And I'm still late!

(DODO BIRD and SEA CREATURES run on, stand back, and look up in awe at TALL ALICE wearing the house.)

DODO BIRD

Whoa! Love the hat.

WHITE RABBIT
I'm late! Help me! Help me!

DODO BIRD

I have the answer!

CHESHIRE CAT 1, 2, 3

(to the audience)

And there was much rejoicing!

SEA CREATURES

Yay!

DODO BIRD

We'll burn the house down!

WHITE RABBIT, TALL ALICE

Nooooo!

DODO BIRD

Hurry up now, gather the wood. Anybody got a match? I'm all out.

TALL ALICE

Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with matches?

WHITE RABBIT

Just hurry! Pleeeease!! I'm-

ALL

Late. We know.

TALL ALICE

Oh dear, I better do something, fast. Maybe if I eat one of those carrots growing in the rabbit's garden!

(#16 - SMALLIFICATION 3. The CHESHIRE CAT holds up a bunch of carrots. TALL ALICE grabs one and eats it fast.)

CHESHIRE CAT 1

When Alice ate that carrot, can you guess what happened?

CHESHIRE CAT 2

That's right!

CHESHIRE CAT 3

Cue Small Alice!

 

Side 2

(The WHITE RABBIT enters, late as usual.)

MAD HATTER

Did you say you were late?

ALICE

Only seventy-six times. Not that anyone's counting.

WHITE RABBIT

(showing the MAD HATTER his pocket watch)

See?

MAD HATTER

Well, your watch is slow, silly. Here, let me fix it for you.

(The MAD HATTER grabs the watch and huddles over it with the PARTY GUESTS like surgeons over a patient. The CHESHIRE CAT makes the sound of a heart monitor beeping.)

(MAD HATTER)

Scalpel!

MARCH HARE

Scalpel!!

PARTY GUESTS

Scalpel!!!

MAD HATTER

Forceps!

MARCH HARE

Forceps!!

PARTY GUESTS

Forceps!!!

MAD HATTER

Axle grease!

MARCH HARE

Axle grease!!

PARTY GUESTS

Axle grease!!!

MAD HATTER

Peanut butter!

WHITE RABBIT

Peanut butter?!?

MARCH HARE

Crunchy or smooth?!

MAD HATTER

Hurry, we're losing her!!

WHITE RABBIT

Oh no no no!

MAD HATTER

Bring me the liverwurst!

MARCH HARE

The liverwurst!!

PARTY GUESTS

The liverwurst!!!

CHESHIRE CAT 1, 2, 3

(like Groucho Marx)

This is the worst liver I've ever seen!

MAD HATTER

(like a mad scientist)

Live. Live! I command you to live!!!

(The CHESHIRE CAT makes the flatline sound: The watch is dead!)

Oooops.

(to WHITE RABBIT)

You might want to get a new watch.

ALICE

(to MAD HATTER)

Oh no! You broke it!

MAD HATTER

I know! Wasn't it fun? Let's do it again!!

WHITE RABBIT

Oh nooo! Now I'll never get there on time!

 

Side 3

WHITE RABBIT

Attention, attention! Inhabitants and subjects and all other direct or indirect objects of Wonderland! Fall to your knees and tremble before Her Majestic Majesty, Her Royal Regality... yes, folks, your favorite monarch of mean and mine: the one, the only, Queen of Hearts!

(The KING OF HEARTS enters timidly.)

KING OF HEARTS

And, um, well, let's not forget the King of Hearts.

WHITE RABBIT

Oh yeah. Him, too.

(Much hubbub and shuffling of ROYAL CARDS as they fall to their knees. Like Godzilla arriving in Tokyo, the QUEEN OF HEARTS stomps onstage and turns her attention to ALICE, who curtsies in fear.)

QUEEN OF HEARTS

And just what do we have here, hmm?

ALICE

I believe you mean "whom do we have here."

CHESHIRE CAT 1, 2, 3

(to audience)

And there was much hubbub.

ROYAL CARDS

Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub!

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Silence! We speak the Queen's English here, you nameless little whelp!

ALICE

Yes, Your Loudness. I mean, Your Meanness. I mean, Your Highness! And my name is Alice.

ROYAL CARDS

(gasping)

Alice!?

ALICE

Yes, Alice. At least it was when I got here.

QUEEN OF HEARTS

That's impossible. Everyone knows Alice doesn't live here anymore!

ALICE

Okay, well... um, that works, too - because all I want to do is get out of here and find my way back home.

ROYAL CARDS

(gasping)

Her way home?!?

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Your way home?? You'll find my way home... or we'll cut off your head! You'll be who I say you are and no one else, do you understand?

ALICE

No. Nothing makes sense here!

QUEEN OF HEARTS

And don't you forget it. Now, before you go anywhere, you'll have to beat me in Wonderland's favorite pastime.

CHESHIRE CAT 3

And there was much rejoicing.

ROYAL CARDS

Yeah!