(The CHESHIRE CAT steps forward and addresses the audience.)

CHESHIRE CAT 3

Alice left the Tweedles to sort out their late-onset identity crisis and acute co- dependency-

CHESHIRE CAT 1

And chased after the White Rabbit.

CHESHIRE CAT 2

Whom she trailed through the woods to a house-

CHESHIRE CAT 3 (like a real estate agent)

A comfy little velveteen two-up, three-down, one-man-on-third, A-frame, Watership Down hideaway warren just perfect for such an innnnteresting rabbit.

(ALICE appears as the WHITE RABBIT enters.)

ALICE

Oh, there you are. My name is- oh, wait.

(extending her hand in greeting)

I mean, how do you do, my name is-

WHITE RABBIT

Mary Ann, Mary Ann, hurry, I can't find my gloves-

ALICE

But my name isn't-

WHITE RABBIT

Mary Ann, Ginger, Gilligan, I don't care what your name is. Don't argue with me. You're making me later than I already am.

(points frantically offstage to his house)

Hurry, hurry, my gloves, somewhere in my house. I'm late!!

ALICE

Mary Ann? I should think I know my own name! Boy, I never knew rabbits could be so pushy. Next I'll be taking orders from my pet iguana.

(The CHESHIRE CAT reveals the cookie jar.)

Oh, look - another cookie! What harm could one more do...

(ALICE eats a cookie. #15 - TALLIFICATION 3. ALICE spins offstage.)

CHESHIRE CAT 2

Famous last words.

CHESHIRE CAT 3

Alice took one bite and grew as big as a house.

CHESHIRE CAT 1

The White Rabbit's house to be exact.

CHESHIRE CAT 2

Her arms and legs stuck out the windows and doors-

CHESHIRE CAT 1

And the roof sat on the top of her head!

(TALL ALICE enters wearing the house like a dress and the roof as a hat.)

TALL ALICE

Oh, no. I can't go out in public in this house dress. I've got to do something.

WHITE RABBIT

Help, help! There's a monster in my house! And I'm late!

TALL ALICE

I'm not a monster, I'm a little girl. Okay, a very big little girl.

WHITE RABBIT

Help, help! There's a very big little girl in my house. And I'm still late!

(DODO BIRD and SEA CREATURES run on, stand back, and look up in awe at TALL ALICE wearing the house.)

DODO BIRD

Whoa! Love the hat.

WHITE RABBIT
I'm late! Help me! Help me!

DODO BIRD

I have the answer!

CHESHIRE CAT 1, 2, 3

(to the audience)

And there was much rejoicing!

SEA CREATURES

Yay!

DODO BIRD

We'll burn the house down!

WHITE RABBIT, TALL ALICE

Nooooo!

DODO BIRD

Hurry up now, gather the wood. Anybody got a match? I'm all out.

TALL ALICE

Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with matches?

WHITE RABBIT

Just hurry! Pleeeease!! I'm-

ALL

Late. We know.

TALL ALICE

Oh dear, I better do something, fast. Maybe if I eat one of those carrots growing in the rabbit's garden!

(#16 - SMALLIFICATION 3. The CHESHIRE CAT holds up a bunch of carrots. TALL ALICE grabs one and eats it fast.)

CHESHIRE CAT 1

When Alice ate that carrot, can you guess what happened?

CHESHIRE CAT 2

That's right!

CHESHIRE CAT 3

Cue Small Alice!