Script

Woah, woah, woah. Hang on a minute. Do you mind if I hop off and come back on again? I mean, have a word with yourself, Feathers. Who am I to call you ugly? Look at me.

(UGLY looks at the BULLFROG for the first time.)

...there, see. I mean connect the dots, if we're talking 'ugly' they don't come much more aesthetically challenged than me. I know what your trouble is. You've been preening yourself too much.

What do you mean?

You've got down in the mouth. Woo ha, ha, ha.

(To audience.)
Oh I'm getting nothing here, nothing. Come on give us a smile.

I want to be left on my own.

Now that's just downright antisocial. Hang on&

(He clears his throat.)
I've got a human in my throat.

(Again the BULLFROG goes into hysterics but soon realizes that he is laughing alone.)

Oh well, I know how you feel, but you mustn't let it depress you. I started out as a blob of jelly and it's been downhill ever since.

(For the first time UGLY actually looks as though he is warming to the BULLFROG.)

I say to myself, "I'm just a handsome Prince in Frog's clothing and one day someone's going to come along and kiss me and release my inner beauty."

(Pause)
And then I say to myself, "Nah, get real, who wants to snog* a Frog!?"

(This finally gets through to UGLY who laughs with the BULLFROG this time.)

You know what our trouble is?

No.

Our 'image' isn't in vogue. That's all. It's a question of taste. But you mark my words, one day 'ugly' will be 'in'.

* "Snog" is British slang for 'kiss.'