Script

SIDE 1

OPERA SINGER

Velia, oh, Velia the witch of the wood...

OSCAR DE VELT

(from the audience)

Next!


OPERA SINGER

But I have other songs.

OSCAR DE VELT

Yeah honey, but do you have other voices? Next. Come on, please, shake it up you guys, we've got a show to put on here.

(The OPERA SINGER leaves in tears. MARBINI, a magician in white tie, tails, topper and cape walks on centerstage.)

MARBINI

Good evening, I am the Great Marbini, Illusionist to Kings. I have been privileged to have obtained second billing at theaters in Missouri, Polar Bluff and Norfolk, Nebraska, and I will now perform for you a trick seen before only by the crowned heads of Europe. From this hat, I will produce not one rabbit...

(drum roll...)

... not two rabbits...

(drum roll...)

... but three rabbits.

OSCAR DE VELT

Next! Next! Next!

(as MARBINI walks off)

Don't give up your day job.

SIDE 2

VENTRILOQUIST (as dummy)

(badly)

Hello everybody.

VENTRILOQUIST

Well, how are you, Clarence?

VENTRILOQUIST (as dummy)


 Don't ask. I suppose you're wondering why I'm here.

OSCAR DE VELT

You bet. Next!

(The VENTRILOQUIST begins to leave. The dummy has taken it worse than its owner. It jabbers away as they leave the stage.)

VENTRILOQUIST (as dummy)


What does he mean 'next'? Doesn't he like us? Does he know who we are? I'll punch the sucker on the nose...

SIDE 3

OSCAR DE VELT

Next!

(Finally it's BLOUSEY's turn; she moves centerstage, or almost.)

The light, honey.

BLOUSEY

(nervously)

Er - sorry Mr. De Velt, I didn't catch that.

OSCAR DE VELT

The light, honey. Move into the light. So we can see you. This musical ain't set in a mine shaft. Name?

BLOUSEY

Blousey Brown. Singer.

(As BLOUSEY opens her mouth to sing, LENA MARELLI storms down the center aisle in an exotic traveling coat with four BODYGUARDS in trench coats, hats and dark glasses.)

LENA

Oscar, Oscar... I'm back! I'll give you one more chance, else I'm out for good. You hear me, Oscar. Out! Out! Out!

(OSCAR has welcomed her and joined her as she walks onstage. LENA takes over the spotlight from BLOUSEY, cattily dismissing her.)

OK, honey. Beat it back to Iowa, this show has got its star back. Lena's come home. Hit it, Joe!