Script

SIDE 1

FAT SAM

... What...! I don't believe it! ... The whole gang? Everybody? Louis, Snake Eyes and Ritzy? I don't believe it. I just don't believe it!

(FAT SAM slowly puts the receiver down.)

The whole gang's gone, Knuckles, splurged. That leaves just you and me. Just you and me, Knuckles! We're on our own.

KNUCKLES

What we gonna do, Boss?

(KNUCKLES cracks his knuckles nervously.)

FAT SAM

Don't do that, Knuckles. How many more times have I got to tell you! We do nothing. We act like nothing's happened. Carry on as normal.

(There is a knock on the door. FAT SAM nearly jumps out of his skin as he leaps behind his desk for protection. KNUCKLES joins him. FAT SAM and KNUCKLES would win no awards for bravery. There is another knock.)

Go see who it is, Knuckles. Act normal.

(KNUCKLES gets up and gingerly opens the door. It's BUGSY.)

BUGSY

Uh, Sam, I was wondering... if you're not too busy... if you could give a friend of mine an audition for the club...

KNUCKLES

He's busy, lady. Come back tomorrow.

(KNUCKLES closes the door. FAT SAM leaps up and opens the door. He calls out to BUGSY.)

FAT SAM

No, wait! Wait.

(FAT SAM turns to KNUCKLES.)

We act like normal, right? So acting normal means acting normal.

(calling out the door)

Tell your friend we'll be right there.

SIDE 2

FAT SAM

See, just like normal. That way they won't know we're scared to death... er, I don't mean scared I mean, er... concerned. We buy ourselves a little time. Thinking time, right Knuckles?

(FAT SAM murmers to himself)

Go tell Tallulah we wanna see the new number. We gotta find us someone with some brains, some smarts, a real cerebral type.

KNUCKLES

OK, Boss...

(writing a list)

New number... find brains... Uh, Boss... how do you spell brains?

(KNUCKLES cracks his knuckles as FAT SAM moves to throttle him. They freeze.)

(Lights cross fade to inside the Grand Slam.)

BUGSY

It's all set up, Blousey. Sam'll be down in a minute.

BLOUSEY

I'd better freshen up. I'll be right back.

(TALLULAH has entered.)

TALLULAH

Suddenly everyone wants to be in show business.

BUGSY

Oh, hi, Tallulah.

(TALLULAH is joined by LORETTA, DOTTY, TILLIE and BANGLES.)

GIRLS

Hi, Bugsy.

BUGSY

Hi, Loretta... Dotty... Tillie... Bangles.

KNUCKLES

(entering)

Tallulah, girls, the Boss wants to see your brains. I mean the new number. Pronto.

TALLULAH

OK, girls, get dressed. We gotta number to do.

SIDE 3

FIZZY

Er - Mr. Sam, about my audition.

FAT SAM

Later, Fizzy, I'm busy right now. Keep practicing... I'll see you tomorrow... I promise you, tomorrow.

FIZZY

But yesterday you said tomorrow, Boss.

(TALLULAH has appeared dressed to the nines, momentarily letting FAT SAM off the hook.)

FAT SAM

Tallulah! You spend more time prettying yourself up than there's time in the day.

TALLULAH

Listen, honey, if I didn't look this good, you wouldn't give me the time of day.

FAT SAM

I'll see you in the car...

(KNUCKLES cracks his knuckles.)

Don't do that, Knuckles.

KNUCKLES

Sorry, Boss, it just slipped out.

(FAT SAM storms off, frustrated. KNUCKLES follows.)

TALLULAH

Night, Fizzy.

FIZZY

Night, Tallulah.

SIDE 4

So tell me how you allowed this to happen? Roxy was one of my best. What have you got to say for yourselves, you bunch of dummies? You're a disgrace to your profession. Do you hear me? And most of all you're a disgrace to me. Fat Sam.

(He pats himself proudly. The gang are very dumb)

And we all know who's behind all this, don't we?

Sure, Boss.

You don't need a hat full of brains to know that, do you?

Certainly not, Boss.
(They all shake their heads)

We all know who's monkeying US around, don't we?

Sure do, Boss.

So who is it, you dummies?

(They look at one another unsure whether they should answer)

Dandy Dan, Boss.

Don't dare mention his name in this office!!!

(Fat Sam blows up at the mention of Dan's name and falls off his chair in excitement. Fizzy pokes his head around the door)

Er Boss, um, how about my audition? You said come back tomorrow.

Am I going mad? Are my ears playing tricks on me? Come back tomorrow, Fizzy!

But today is tomorrow, Mr. Sam.

Fizzy, will you get out of here?

(Fizzy's interruption causes Fat Sam further frustration. Fat Sam lunges at Fizzy and in the process trips over Fizzy's bucket. Once again, the gang pick him up and brush him down)

Take it easy Boss, you'll break something.

Break something? Sure I'll break something, Snake Eyes. I'll break your dumb neck! Dancers, dancers. I'm surrounded by namby-pamby dancers, singers, piano players, banjo players, tin whistle players, at a time when I need brains. You hear me? Brains! Brains and muscles.

You got US Boss.

You! Your trouble is you've got muscle where you ought to have brains. I tell you, my pet canary's got more brains than you! You dumb salamis! Now listen, here's what we do....

(The gang huddles around Fat Sam as the lights fade)