Script

SIDE 1

PHINEOUS TROUT

This is Phineous Trout with a direct TV link to Frankfurt, Germany. That's right, Ladies and Gentlemen, people are buying over 50,000 Wonka Bars every hour and the first Golden Ticket has been found! Here's the family now. Mrs. Droop, Mrs. Droop, may we have a word?

(AUGUSTUS and MRS. GLOOP step forward.)

MRS. GLOOP

Der name ist Gloop.

(spelling her last name)

G-L-O-O-P. Und dies'ist mein kleiner liebchen, Augustus.

(Standing beside her, stuffing his face with chocolate, is her enormous Botero-like son, AUGUSTUS.)

PHINEOUS TROUT

Tell us about the ticket.

MRS. GLOOP

Ya. I just knew my little snausage-vausage Augustus would find das Golden Ticket! He eats so much candy-vandy that it vas almost impossible for him not to find one! In fact, you could say ve've been training him for this day ever since our little pudgy-vudgey was born!

PHINEOUS TROUT

Training?

MRS. GLOOP

Oh, ya! For der Junge to eat as much as Augustus he has to be trained from morning to night - eating all kinds of foods...

END

 

SIDE 2

PHINEOUS TROUT

Ladies and gentlemen, the worldwide rush for Wonka Bars is getting bigger by the minute. It seems a second Golden Ticket has been found.

(WONKA gestures for Veruca's Golden Ticket to light)

(PHINEOUS TROUT)

We're off to our live remote in São Paulo, Brazil, where things are "sweet" for Veronica Salt.

(VERUCA and MR. SALT, her father, enter.)

VERUCA

That's Veruca, you imbecile! Veruca, Veruca, Veruca!

PHINEOUS TROUT

(purposefully ignoring VERUCA)

So, Mr. Salt, I understand you "sweetened" Veruca's chances with a little assistance?

MR. SALT

As soon as my little girl told me that she simply had to have one of those Golden Tickets, I bought hundreds of thousands of Wonka Bars. I'm in the nut business - peanuts, cashews, but mainly Brazil nuts. So I had my factory girls stop shelling Brazil nuts and start shelling wrappers.

VERUCA

Daddy, that hideous reporter said my name wrong, on live television! Can't you get him fired?

MR. SALT

For you dear, anything... anyway... after days of shelling chocolate, one of my factory gals finally found the blasted Golden Ticket. I let her take the lucky piece of chocolate home to her seventeen kids...

PHINEOUS TROUT

(sarcastically)

How generous!

VERUCA

Daddy, now he's being sarcastic! I want him fired. Fired! You hear me? Fired, fired, fired!

END

 

SIDE 3

PHINEOUS TROUT

We interrupt the Orphan Annie Radio Hour to bring you this important news flash. A third Golden Ticket has been found in Snellville, Georgia.

(WONKA enters and gestures, causing Violet's Golden Ticket to glow.)

(PHINEOUS TROUT)

And what is your name, young lady?

(VIOLET steps forward, loudly chewing gum into an old- fashioned Decca microphone. VIOLET and her mother are dressed exactly alike.)

VIOLET

Violet. Violet Beauregarde.

MRS. BEAUREGARDE

Violet, quit chewing your gum so loudly. Remember what your therapist said about acting out-

VIOLET

Ah, can it, Ma! You flap your jaws as much as I do...

PHINEOUS TROUT

Now tell us, Violet, how did you find your Golden Ticket?

VIOLET

I'm a gum chewer, normally, but when I heard about Wonka's contest, I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars. Now of course I'm right back on gum. In fact, I've been working on this piece for over three months solid. I've beaten the record set by my best friend, Cornelia Prinzmetel. Hi, Cornelia... listen to this...

END

 

SIDE 4

PHINEOUS TROUT

Ladies and Gentlemen, Wonka ar sales are up to over two hundred thousand an hour and this just in. The fourth Golden Ticket has been located in Television City, California.

(WONKA enters and gestures, causing Mike's Golden Ticket to light)

(PHINEOUS TROUT)

Leaving only the fifth and final ticket to be found! We're live at the home of Mike Teavee, the finder of the fourth Golden Ticket. Here's Ms. Teavee now. Tell us about finding the Golden Ticket, ma'am!

MS. TEAVEE

You see, Mike and I were-

MIKE

(watching TV)

Shut your pie-hole, toots. Didn't I tell you not to interrupt! This is the best part! Crack, smack, whack! Dead. Did you see him die? That was so totally awesome!

PHINEOUS TROUT

Very cool, Mike. Now, Ms. Teavee, about the Golden Ticket-

MIKE

Yeah! I got a Ticket. Big deal! Means I'm gonna miss at least an hour of my second favorite show, and I'm gonna have to leave the house to tour some stupid chocolate factory. Right. Whatever... Hit him! Hit him harder!

PHINEOUS TROUT

Now, which school does our Golden Ticket winner attend?

MIKE

What are you, crazy? Who needs school? I got my screens and the 'net, fool.

END