Script

SIDE 1

(Lights up on Junie B.'s DADDY dragging her across the stage to her classroom, JUNIE B. fighting with all her might.)

JUNIE B.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

DADDY

Well, here we are, Junie B.! First grade at last!

JUNIE B.

I am a wreck.

DADDY

Just think, there's a whole roomful of brand new friends just waiting to meet you. Don't you want to meet them?

(MAY flounces by, stopping and glaring. She sizes JUNIE B. up and down, gives a disdainful groan, and walks into class, nose in the air.)

JUNIE B.

No thank you.

DADDY

There's nothing to worry about, Junie B.! I promise. You're going to love first grade.

 

SIDE 2

JUNIE B.

Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! It's Lucille! Lucille, my bestest friend from kindergarten last year!!!

(LUCILLE looks over at her, waves a small wave, and returns to her desk.)

JUNIE B.

Lucille! Lucille! It's me, Junie B.! It's your bestest friend from kindergarten, Junie B. Jones! I am so glad to see you, friend!!!

(JUNIE B. is vigorously shaking LUCILLE's hand.)

LUCILLE

Stop it, Junie B.! Stop it!!! You are wrinkling my new dress. This thing cost a fortune.

(LUCILLE fluffs her dress and JUNIE B. does too.)

JUNIE B.

There. Good as new.

(JUNIE B. grabs LUCILLE.)

Come on, Lucille! Let's go find two desks together. I think
we should sit near the door. Want to? Huh? If we sit near the door, we can stare at people who walk down the hall.

LUCILLE

No, Junie B. No. I am going to sit at this desk right here. I already picked it out with my two new friends, Camille and Chenille.

(CAMILLE and CHENILLE, twins, dressed in different shades of Lucille's dress, wave goodbye to their offstage mother.)

JUNIE B.

Twins! Twins! They're twins, Lucille! This is our lucky day! Come on Lucille, let's go touch them. Hurry, hurry! Before a line forms.

LUCILLE

Stop it, Junie B.! Camille and Chenille don't want to be touched. And besides. I am their new best friend. Not you.

JUNIE B.

Yes, but I can be their best friend along with you, right, Lucille? All I have to do is meet them, right? And then all of us can be bestest friends together.

LUCILLE

No, Junie B., I'm sorry. You and I have already been best friends, remember? We were best friends for a whole long year. And so now it's time for Camille and Chenille to get a turn. It's only fair of me. And besides, their names rhyme with mine.

(LUCILLE strikes a pose, and CAMILLE and CHENILLE follow her.)

Lucille!

CAMILLE

Camille!

CHENILLE

Chenille!

LUCILLE, CAMILLE, CHENILLE

Yeah!

LUCILLE

Doesn't that sound marvelous?

 

SIDE 3

JUNIE B.

Last year, I had two bestest friends. First, I had Lucille. Plus, I also had that Grace. Me and that Grace rode the school bus together every single day. Only too bad for us. Because this year, Grace got put in a different room than me. And that was not even fair. But on the bus, we could sit next to each other, just like we always did!

(GRACE and BOBBI JEAN PIPER enter, plopping down on a bus seat together. JUNIE B. taps GRACE on the shoulder.)

Grace... Excuse me, Grace... what kind of shenanigans do you call this, madam? Didn't you see me sitting here?

GRACE

Yes, hi, Junie B. I'm sorry I can't sit with you. But I promised Bobbi Jean Piper I would sit with her today. Okay?

JUNIE B.

No, Grace. Not okay. You can't sit with Bobbi Jean Piper.
You and I have to sit together every single day. Cause we sat together every day last year. And this year shalt be no different!!

MR. WOO

Sit down, please, Junie B.

BOBBI JEAN

You got yelled at!

JUNIE B.

Grrr. Bobbi Jean Piper. Grrr.

(We hear laughter from the seat behind JUNIE B. HERB's

head pops up.)

Who's laughing at me during this very terrible crisis? Herb!!

HERB

You said, "grrr." Ha! That was a good one!

(JUNIE B. storms to his row.)

JUNIE B.

Yeah, only here's the problem, Herbert. Grrr is not actually a joking matter. Plus, I wasn't even talking to you.

HERB

I know you weren't talking to me. No one on this bus ever talks to me. That's because last year I went to a different school. So I don't have any bus friends yet.

JUNIE B.

Well, I used to have a bus friend named Grace, but today I am dropping her like a hot tomato.

BOBBI JEAN

You mean potato.


JUNIE B.

Bobbi Jean Piper wears a diaper!!!

MR. WOO

Sit down, Junie B.!!!

(JUNIE B. plops back down in her seat, frustrated. HERB approaches JUNIE B.)

HERB

Maybe, just for today, I can sit here. Just until you get your bus friend back, I mean.

 

SIDE 4

JOSÉ

Hola!

JUNIE B.

Huh?

JOSÉ

Whoops! Hola means hello in Spanish. I know two different languages, and sometimes I forget which one I'm speaking.

JUNIE B.

Wow, José! You speak two different languages?

HERB

Cool!

MAY

Big deal. I know Spanish too. I can count all the way to three in Spanish. Does anyone want to hear me?

HERB

Not really.

LENNIE

Not me.

JOSÉ

Me neither.

SCHOOL KIDS

Nope.

MAY

Uno, dos, tres...


MR. SCARY

Good morning, boys and girls!

SCHOOL KIDS

Good morning, Mr. Scary.

MR. SCARY

This morning I have a fun assignment for you.

(He points to big words on the bulletin board.)

I want you to read these words to yourselves... Then, without talking to your neighbor, choose any word from the list and draw a picture of it.

MAY

Oh, goody, goody! I love this kind of assignment, Mr. Scary! I am perfect at not talking to my neighbor!!!

MR. SCARY

That's nice, May. Are we ready everybody, okay... go.

 

SIDE 5

JUNIE B.

Hello, people! It's time to watch me eat out of my new lunch box!

(Everyone but JUNIE B. goes to stand in the line to purchase lunch.)

Herb - Hey Herb! What do you think you're doing? Why aren't you coming to eat with me?

HERB

I'm buying my lunch today, Junie B.

SHIRLEY

Me too-


LUNCH STUDENT 1

Everyone is buying today, Junie B.

JUNIE B.

I was not actually expecting this development.

(JUNIE B. goes to a table and sits with SHELDON.)

SHELDON

We're the only ones who didn't buy hoagies today.

JUNIE B.

Yes, Sheldon, I know that.

SHELDON

Hoagies are very popular. But I'm not allowed to eat them. I'm allergic to fake meat and cheese.

JUNIE B.

Please wipe your nose.

SHELDON

I'm only allowed to eat food that comes from nature. Also I'm allergic to dairy.

 

SIDE 6

MAY

Mrs. Gutzman! Mrs. Gutzman! Junie Jones is trying to hide from you! But I am keeping track of her movements!

MRS. GUTZMAN

Junie B.? Why are you sitting on the floor? I brought something for your class. Don't you want to see what it is?

JUNIE B.

No, thank you. I don't want to see it. And so you can be on your way now, please.

MRS. GUTZMAN

I brought a little something for your class today, but there's no one up there to help me pass it out.

JUNIE B.

There are lots of people to help you.

MRS. GUTZMAN

But I need someone with experience.

JUNIE B.

Alright. But some of these children are still very mad at me, you know.

MRS. GUTZMAN

Yes, well, I think maybe I can fix that.

 

SIDE 7

MOTHER

Oh, my goodness, Junie B., what’s wrong?

JUNIE B.

My toe is wrong! My toe is wrong! 9-1-1!

(MOTHER looks at her toe, then looks at the watering can.)

MOTHER

Junie B.... what’s the story here?

JUNIE B.

Well... at first I was practicing my kicking, and then my ball went over the fence. And then what was I supposed to do? Kick air? But good news! ’Cause just then I saw your cow can! And so I ran at him with all my might! And then I kicked him as hard as I could. Only too bad for me. ’Cause that stupid thing was filled with water! And now I have a smashed piggy toe. The end.

MOTHER

Gee, a watering can had water in it. How unusual.

(She examines JUNIE B.’s toe.)

JUNIE B.

Oh, who’s kidding who, Mother? All is lost!!! Everything is hopeless and you can’t fix it!!!!

MOTHER

Tell you what, we’ll put some ice on it, and I’ll make you a special shoe that you can wear to school. As long as you stay off it, you should be good as new in no time!

JUNIE B.

But the kickball tournament is Friday, and I was going to be the star of the whole thing!!!

MOTHER

Oh honey... I’m sure we can figure something out, okay?

JUNIE B.

No! Not okay, not okay!!!

(MOTHER looks at her.)

I mean... okay.

 

SIDE 8

SHELDON

No one touch this please. Even though I came back to class today, I am still not totally right up here.

MR. SCARY

Oh, yes, Sheldon. I am very aware of that.

SHELDON

I probably shouldn't play in the kickball tournament on Friday either.

MR. SCARY

Don't worry. I'm sure we can come up with something else you can do in the tournament.

(JUNIE B. puts her head inside her sweater and slumps in her chair.)

You too, Junie B. We'll think of something else you can do too, okay?

LUCILLE

Who cares about kicking a stupid ball anyway? I'm going to be the head cheerleader!

(LUCILLE takes out pom-poms and fluffs her dress.)

MAY

Who wants to be a stupid old cheerleader? I'm going to do crowd control. 'Cause I already have a badge at home. So all I'll need is a big stick to poke people with!

(Everyone looks at her.)

And a gas mask.


MR. SCARY

I don't think crowd control will be necessary, May.

(MAY plops down in her seat, miffed.)

SHELDON

Well, I already know what I am going to do. I'm going to do a halftime show!

MR. SCARY

A halftime show?

SHELDON

Yes, yes!!! 'Cause my daddy used to play in his high school band! And he already taught me how to march and play the cymbals like a real professional band guy!